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Don’t take it personally, it’s not about you, or is it?

I wanted to share some wisdom and a life lesson that I have learned to apply.  Through self development along with the beautiful journey of becoming a coach, helped me see clearly that I no longer need to take things personally.

I would need a novel length blog to share the number of times I drank other people’s poison and took things personally.  I’m talking about the times, when a family member, a co-worker, a friend or significant other may have said or done something to you that you have taken personally, or in other words, have held on to.

When you react to other people’s words, gossip, unloving comments about your looks, or who you are as a person, the tendency is to give those words and actions the power to continue to live. What you cannot own, cannot hurt you.

Why do you think you take such offense when you are thrown these verbal attacks?

This will be one of the toughest lessons to learn, and as I mentioned earlier I have had plenty of reason to learn this in my lifetime.  Being deeply wounded by people’s unloving thoughts or actions toward you, only builds resentment toward the person who spoke them.  What it also does is diminish you, as you gripe, stomp, repeat the story to whomever will listen, or in short you could say you are drinking in the poison.

pepaw-034The vial of poison then turns into a gallon, a river or an ocean.  Yet in a really insane way we react this way to seek allies.  When we keep the story going we are actually looking for someone to disprove those unkind words or deeds.  When in reality we already know what the answer is.

If you would take some time to examine how you hold on to the unkind words of another, and notice how you rehash the whole injustice to your self and family or friends, you might notice its likened to a swirling whirlpool.  You keep the poison, then transfer the poison or in some cases react by spreading revengeful poison of our own, projecting and protecting yourself, from what?

When we take things personally what’s really going on is our incessant need to feed our ego.  Yes, the ego serves you negatively.  In fact the ego is at the root of both the person who slung the harmful words at you, as well as at the root of taking it personally, your victimization.

Holding on to those thoughts and words is not in your best interest.  When you do, you allow your ego to survive as well as the ego of the verbal perpetrator, its a no win situation.  The ego does not have either of your best interests at heart.

If you can shift your thinking in these terms; the person trying to harm you with words is not being who they truly are but are acting from their ego. If you can grasp this, you’ll have a better time understanding.  By reacting to their ego (their remarks, gossip, unkind deeds) you feed their ego and yours.

How do you counteract hurtful words and actions of others?

How do you deprive your ego from its ultimate goal, survival?

Forgiveness, love and compassion are the key components to overcome the ego.  Two oppositional feelings cannot coexist.  You either are in ego or you are in a state of love and compassion.  Which state would you prefer to be?

For starters, your defense against reacting would be no counter response of any kind.  Keep in mind the verbal perpetrator is the one in pain and the one who is unhappy.  I doubt in any other circumstance that if you saw someone in pain, you would make their pain worse by adding to it.

You have a choice, you can either allow the words and deeds of another person’s ego to poison you and you can keep the poison circulating by retelling it and retaliating.  Or you can respond with understanding that the person is acting out of threat, pain or their ego.  All unloving comments, including gossip or rumors stem from the ego.

Once you’ve forgiven the gossiper or mudslinger, the next step is to lovingly and compassionately understand that anything coming from ego is based on past circumstances of their lives.  The way you respond to the negative situation is also based on past circumstances in your life.

Experiment is the greatest teacher.  Give it a try! Stop feeding your own ego and you will stop contributing to their ego by repeating and retaliating.  Don’t drink the poison> then see what happens.

I would love your comments and feedback and the outcome you may have experienced in putting this new technique to work for yourself.  You can leave your remarks in the comment area below this post.

Freedom Life Coaching assists individuals in discover of self limiting belief’s and behaviors so you may live with clarity and purpose.

I currently have an opening for a new learner who would like to live their life to their fullest potential.

Visit my contact page at or send a private Email to or

Until next time…

Is life like a broken record? Starting over again…

This is about starting over again. Not just starting over once, but again and again, if this is you then read on.  This post was prompted by a discussion with my adult son concerning his recent break up with his girlfriend of five years. Our discussion reminded me of my own experience with having to start over (many times) and the very effective way I eventually learned to change that.

Do you ever feel your life seems like a broken record?  Yes, the circumstance might change but the overall theme remains the same.  Whether its relationships, careers or family situations that force you to hear that old familiar bump, bump, bump, repeat, repeat, repeat.

Sometimes looking back, I feel as if I’ve lived many lives contained within this one life.  There were times I’d do the tango with life one minute, with purposeful and passionate moves.  Just when I thought I learned those steps, along comes a switch in the music and suddenly I would be doing the “jerk and the monkey”  switching from the erratic movements of the jerk to the flailing movements of the dance called the monkey and then back again.

The interesting thing is it took me half my life to realize I needed to take a look at the bigger picture as it related to the many times I found myself starting over.  Looking at the big picture and not the pieces, allowed me to see a common theme between the times of doing the tango and the times of doing the jerk and the monkey dance.

When you find yourself in a situation that is life changing, be it a break-up, a job loss or any loss that forces you to start over, the tendency is to look at the situation microscopically.  We move directly toward self blame or maybe even victimization (blaming others).  We begin to analyze and hash over; what you should have done, what you could have said, what they did or didn’t do. Our inclination is to stay in one gigantic pity party based on the micro facts of a situation.  We get stuck there and tell our story to any available willing listener, over and over like a broken record.  We remain focused primarily on the minute details of our current crisis.

I have in the past been in this stage of micro facts and pity parties more times than I care to count, until one day fatigue set in.  It was time to take a look at the big picture.  I had to ask myself some difficult questions.  The primary question I had to ask of myself is; what is the prevailing pattern or theme of my life that has placed me  in a position of having to start over?

For me the broken record was relationships.  Looking at the theme or bigger picture allowed me to see the similarity of the traits between each of the individuals I had attracted to my life over and over again.  Step two was asking the next question; what role did I play in attracting the same individual to my life as before?  Sure, they were different people but there was a common trait they each possessed.

Stepping out of the self blame game and the victim role enabled me to become my own observer.  Looking at the relationships as a whole (bigger picture)  and in a detached manner allowed me to see the common thread and the role I played in attracting the same relationships with the same outcome.  I had to choose to break the pattern thereby tossing out that broken record and redefine my approach going forward.

Whatever repeated pattern you are living with, I encourage you to reflect by looking at the pattern in a big picture way.  What are the similarities, the things that seem to return time after time?  What you will discover will be enlightening and you will have a new consciousness that will help you to break the pattern.

If you would like to learn how to be your own observer, I currently have an opening for a new learner.  You can start by requesting the Clean Sweep a free assessment that takes a look at four areas of your life or by taking a look at the 200 Top Toleration’s’ assessment available at .

You can contact me directly by visiting the contact page on the same website either by using the toll free number or via email.  If you know someone who would benefit from this information, please share it.  I welcome all comments on this blog and always welcome input or feedback.

Until next time.

Sue Birkam

Freedom Life Coaching Company

“Living to your fullest potential”

877.97Free1 (Toll Free Voice Mail )