Setting Boundaries Part II

Hello friends & guests!

Welcome to part two of establishing boundaries for yourself. Having boundaries is very empowering . It frees up your energy and de-stresses your time.

A component of strengthening your personal foundation is learning to establish boundaries for yourself.Last week we highlighted two specific areas; saying Yes when we really mean NO, and learning to set boundaries about over doing for others, that which they can do for themselves. When you come from a place of joy versus obligation the doing becomes pleasant.

This week’s newsletter is about being overly concerned with other people’s lives, whether it’s family, friends or children. Secondly we will highlight transference, and the effect this has on our energy.

There was a time in my life where I cared more about how others might view me as a person, parent, employee and friend. I placed greater value on other people’s perceptions of me more than I valued my own perception.

Two Examples:

A daughter was in high school and she received her report card with two B grades and three D grades. The mother was more troubled than the daughter was about the grades. Ignoring the two B grades on the report card, the mother went straight to the D grades and demanded to know what the daughter wasn’t doing in the D grade classes.

Getting great grades in school was important to the mom, she believed her daughter’s success or failure was a reflection of her parenting skills. (While there is a time for supporting learning for your children, and they need your support) , what the mother failed to recognize was the responsibility she had taken on for her daughter’s grades, good or bad.

In doing so, the mom took this responsibility squarely on her own shoulders. How quickly the daughter learned to rely on mom to help her remember to do her homework and going to great lengths to help her daughter study for tests, all the while thinking that there must be better grades in those three classes, next time. After all, what would it look to others if her daughter failed.

The mom connected her success or lack of success to her own personal success or lack thereof. She owned the issue of grade improvement and not necessarily shared by the daughter. The daughter willingly let her mom take on this responsibility. Wouldn’t you if you were the daughter?

Another example of a boundary-less situation might be when friends or family call you with a litany of complaints; issues with their relationships, work or otherwise and you endlessly listen and offer advice. You take on their problems in both the physical form of tension as well as thinking you need to take responsibility and provide the solution.

What most people don’t realize, what is really going on is something called transference. This pertains to the people who come to you wanting to transfer their problem to you, so you can hold it for them. It feels better, don’t you think, to have co ownership of a problem.

Their requests to you might be for you to hold on to their secrets, and not tell anyone, take their work woes and fix it for them or any number of means to transfer the issue they are facing to your shoulders.

You may think you can fix, mend, commiserate & advise, but then, you may notice nothing changes in their world as a result of all the energy you expended in  providing the answers. Oh, sure maybe they took your advice this time, but a similar issue will arise and they will be transferring something similar to you once more.

Both of these examples are very telling indeed. The pattern here seems like a boundary-less situation for you; where you feel required to fix, mend and take responsibility for others. Why does this happen?

Here are some thought starters you may want to review or maybe you would like to come up with a few that resonate with you.

• When you take responsibility for others transferred issues, successes and failures you don’t have to focus on your own issues, successes and failures. There isn’t time for you and them.

• Sometimes you relate other people’s successes and failures to validate your successes or failures.

• Sometimes it’s  about valuing other people’s perceptions over your own or your image to the exterior world. Giving power to others about your self-worth

• Sometimes you may think you have all the answers to other people’s problems or issues. Which is validation as the go-to-gal or guy, but at a repetitive cost to your time and energy.
  

How do you  begin to take less responsibility? How do you create a boundary around transference, over caring and over worrying about others?

By placing the responsibility squarely where it belongs, on the person who can be the most effective in solving their own issue, the other person.

One way to resolve this boundary-less situation might be to…

Use the tennis method, lob the problem back to them and over the net. Using a coaching technique of Asking instead of telling which might sound like this…

• What are you going to do about that?

• What have you thought of so far to resolve this?

• How would you prefer it to be?

• What is the consequence for not taking care of that now?

• If you could wave a magic wand, how would you prefer this situation to be?

• What needs to happen to change that for yourself?

• What do you think you need to do?

Great Big Benefits For All

When you engage other people in their own awareness about their challenges, you assist them at a greater level. They buy and own the solution, instead of buying and owning yours.

~You remind them that they have all the answers… and they do.

~You empower them and support them in solving their own challenges.

~They quickly learn to rely on you less to solve their  issues.

 ~You now have time to find solutions for your own needs and challenges.

~You will feel less stressed and more energetic.

~You can feel assured that others are now enabled to handle their own needs effectively.

ACTION STEPS- Try it out!

1) Close your eyes and imagine a circle around yourself. This circle represents your protective boundary. No one can enter this space unless you invite them in.

2) Practice the tennis technique with at least person. Lob their issue back to them by asking open ended questions. Avoid having the answers. Refrain from giving advice or solving the issue. In doing so, you will see that they begin to solve things for themselves & will better comply with their own solution.

3) Hold yourself accountable for setting these new boundaries.

Next Week the focus on Personal Foundation work is “Getting Clear of the Past” or taking care of unfinished business.

Freedom Life Coaching is dedicated to the forward movement of people towards living the life of their dreams as well as living to their fullest potential. Freedom life coaching has an opening for someone who is ready to discover the possibilities for life enhancement.

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